The Joke Thread

[Chip]

Since this IS general talk, I figure I should start some general talk. Whatever, I'm nuts. Here's what I want to say: Does anyone have any good jokes about anything (Mainly coasters) to tell? So go ahead, tell jokes! Be sure to keep 'em clean or this topic will get locked and you'll be banned! Here's a few jokes of mine (the first doesn't make sense and the second one is stupid!):

What's the difference between a duck?
One leg's both the same! :D

Why are fire engines red? (ready for this one?) 1+1=2. 2+2=4. 4+2=6. 6+6=12. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was once a ruler. She ruled over the seas. Fish live in the seas. Fish have fins. The Fins fought the Russians. Russians are red. Fire engines are always rushin' and that's why fire engines are red. You say, "But fire engines aren't red anymore!" I say, "Neither are the Russians."

There. That last one was stupid. I never get a laugh when I tell that one. I always get stares and two people's mercy applause. My dad loved that joke, though!

[Thrill Rider]

This is mean, but it's funny:

A baby seal walks into a club.

[CoolCoasterKid]

My friend told me this one. It's kinda funny but stupid.


"A guy walked into a bar. Ouch."

Here's another one. I edited it up for the little bit it needed to be.


One day, Johnny was outside digging a hole in his backyard. His neighbor spotted him, and was curious as to what he was doing, so she said, "Hey, what're you doing there Johnny?"

"My goldfish died, " he replied in a sad tone, "and I'm burying it."

"Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. But that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

Johnny finished burying, and then turned around to the lady. "That's because it's inside your dumb cat!!!"

[antfarm007]

Alright theres this really stupid guy who walks into a cigar store to get a job, one day a customer comes in, he asks "How much is a cigar?" The employee says "I don't know i'm very stupid" So the manager comes down later and says "When someone asks how much a cigar is say 1 dollar"

The next day another guy came out to the shop and asked "How much are cigars. " "one dollar" the employee replied. Then the customer asks "Are they fresh?" The worker says "I dont know im very stupid" so later the manager walks down and says sif someone asks if they are fresh, say "yes, yes, very fresh"

The next day a customer comes in and asks"How much are cigars" "One dollar" the employee replies. The customer says "Are they fresh?" The employee replies "Yes, Yes very fresh!" "Should I buy one?" the customer says. "I dont know im very stupid" said the employee. So the manager comes down and says "When someone ask if they should buy one say if you dont someone else will"

The next day someone walks in, who happens to be a robber, he asks "How much Money is in the cash register?" "1 dollar" the employee replied. "Are you being fresh with me" the robber asked. "Yes, yes very fresh" the employee replied. The robber then asked "Should I blow your brains out?" "If you dont someone else will!!!" the employee replied

[intamin101]

How do you make a baby float?
One scoop ice-cream ten scoops baby!!!

LoL That was really dumb.

[Andy Rathe]

Two Siamese twins from England go on holiday to the same resort in the South of France every year, so unsurprisingly the head waiter at the hotel they always stay in recognises them. He asks if they keep coming back for the weather. "Oh no" replies one of the twins. "Actually, we get sunburn easily".

"Perhaps you are wine connoisseurs then?" wonders the waiter. "No" says the twin. "We drink beer".

"I've got it" cries the waiter. "It must be the fine French food".
"No", says the twin. "We prefer English fish and chips".

The waiter can't believe it. "What makes you come back here year after year then?".

"Well" says the twin, pointing to his brother, "it's the only time that my brother here gets to drive".

[The_Evil_Tediz]

All the good jokes I know are not very clean. Oh well, I guess I will do some editing. Ok, an Army general, an Air Force general, and a Navy Admiral are discussing which branch of service has the most courage. The Army general tells a private to go into the tank training field and take the tanks apart with his bare hands. He gets run over. "Now thats true courage" the general says. The Air force general sees a jet high in the air. "Lieutenant, go into a dive and don't come out until I tell you to." The lieutenant crashes. "Now thats true courage." "That's nothing", the Admiral says. There is a sailor cleaning the mast on a ship. "Jump down", the Admiral says. "<expletive> you!" the sailor says. "Now thats true courage"

[SFGadvKing]

ok heres one, i hope its clean enough for you mods, please dont ban me:

theres a very rich woman and her butler, alfred talking:
woman: alfred, take off my shirt
alfred: but madam.....
woman: just do it! so he does it
woman: alfred, take off my dress
alfred: but madam.....
woman: just do it! so he does it
woman: alfred, take off my underwear
alfred: but madam.....
woman: just do it! so he does
alfred: why are you telling me to do this?
woman: i told you yesterday not to wear my clothes!!!

hears another one, kinda stupid

theres 3 men walking in the woods. they stumble upon some tracks. the first man says "i think they're bear tracks." the socond guy says "no, i think they're deer tracks." then they look to the other guy to ask him what kind of tracks they are but before he got to answer he was run over by the train.

[Cyclone Master]

College Dorm
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out
some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all
male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody
caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
time." He continued,
"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of
$180. Are there any
questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a
season pass?"

[birderboy]

Quite possibly the stupidest joke ever:

Q: What's green and is on wheels?

A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Some people actually find this joke to be hilarious. Strange.

[Smoky]

A father is upset with his lazy slacker son, so he insists the son join the army, and the son does. At the army physical, the Doc has him strip, gives him a checkup and then asks him to read the letters on the chart on the to test his vision. The son says "what chart?" The Doc says "the chart on the wall." The son says "What wall?" Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands he steps out of the room and explains the situation of a voluptuous female nurse and asks her to come into the room naked and continue working which she agrees to do. After a few mins the doc returns and says to the son "ok son, now you see the chart on that wall?" and the son says "I can't see anything!" and the doc replies "Well you may not see anything, but your indicator is pointing towards Fort Dix." ;)

&

A big naval battleship is crusing along when they see a blip on the screen. Here is a transcript of the conversation that went over the radio:

Battleship: Reccomend you divert your course 15 degrees to the west

Reply: Reccomend you divert your course 15 degrees to the east

Battleship: No, we demand you divert your course 15 degrees to the west

Reply: No, you need to divert your course 15 degrees to the east.

Battleship: This is Captain Gregson, who the hell is this?

Reply: This is a seaman second class

Battleship: This is a US Battleship and we aren't diverting our course for anyone!!!!

Reply: This is a lighthouse, your call.:D

[Medusa1861]

Why can't Medusa1861 go to Cedar Point?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because Medusa is at SFGAdv! (and other parks but don't talk)
LOL i made that one up in a second. I'm very creative

[edh101985]

Yea LOL......:rolleyes:

These are some yo mama jokes:


Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat were in her right now
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

[birderboy]

Here's a yo mamma joke.

You mamma so fat she weighs 2,000 pounds!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Isn't that **** funny?! :rolleyes:
I have a friend that thinks that joke is hilarious. Sad.
Here's one of that same friend's favorite jokes:

There's this two story bar in the middle of the ghetto (now that alone is pretty funny...). There's a lounge on the first floor and the actual bar is on the second floor.
One day, this white guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender, "I'll have a whisky." So the bartender gives him his whisky. The guy immediatly chugs it down, then just randomly jumps out of the second-floor window. Ten minutes later, the same white guy is back. Again, he tells the bartender, "I'll have a whisky." The bartender gives it to him, he chugs it, and he jumps out the window again. Ten minutes later, the same guy is back again. Once again, he tells the bartender, "I'll have a whisky." The bartender gives it to him, he chugs it, and he jumps out the window again.
After that, a black guy says, "Man, if a white boy can do it, I can do it!" So he jumps out the window. But he never comes back. And then the bartender says, "Stupid Superman messin' wit' the black people."

HA...HA...HA...HA... :rolleyes:

I need to get better friends

[antfarm007]

Your mama so fat she walks into KFC and when they ask her what size bucket of chicken she wants, she says "The one on the roof"

Your mama so fat her butt (*dont wanna get banned*) has its own congressman

Your mama so fat she went to the zoo and people started throwing peanuts at her

[GeorgiaSchorcherfreak]

I will admit that this one is sort of stupid. One day a guy needs a job so bad he bacomes a school bus driver. HE gets his route and it is a short route consisting of only four stops on a street named Seseme. SO he drived along and he comes to the first stop and a fat girl gets only and says "Hi my name is Patty" She then goes and sits down. He comes up to the next stop and again a fat girl got on and said "Hi my name is Patty" And she goes and sits down. Afew minutes later he comes to the next stop and a boy gets on and says "Hi I'm Ross and I'm special." And then he sits down. A minute later they come to the last stop and a boy gets on and says "Hi I am LEster Chesse" and then sits down. A few minutes later the driver looks in the mirror and sees Lester Cheese picking off bunions. After he arrives at the school he goes in the office and quits. The principal was stunned because he gave him an easy route. The driver says "I have two Obessee Pattys special Ross, LEster Chesse picking bunions on a Seseame Street bus."

I know that one was lame so here is a second one that is a little better maybe.

One day Rex and Ted, two people who ownded a bungee jumping place they decide that they could make money by opening a bungee jumping place in Mexico. So they start building a bungee jump place in Mexico. Each day a crowd gathers to watch the construction. Finnally everything is checked Ted decides to test it out. He puts everything on and then he jumps the first time he comes back up with a few bruises Rex tries to catch him but fails. Next time he comes back up he is bleeding and again Rex misses. The third time he comes back up he has broken bones but this time Rex Catches him. Rex askes was the cord too long Ted says "The cord was perfect length but whats a Pinatá?

[birderboy]

This one's from Dave Barry's hilarious book 'Big Trouble'. I can't find the page that it's on, so this is just the general idea of it.

There's this doctor with a really thick Japanese accent who has a fat and ugly patient at the moment. He says to the patient, "Rooks rike you have Ed Zachary disease." The patient asks, "Oh no, Ed Zachary disease! Is that serious?" And the doctor says, "Yes, Ed Zachary disease very serious." Worried, the patient asks, "What does it mean?" And the doctor says, "It means your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ***"

[intaminfanatic]

Ok, here is one joke that I thought was pretty funny.

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.


When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

[Andy Rathe]

Originally posted by intaminfanatic
Ok, here is one joke that I thought was pretty funny.

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.


When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Somebody shoot me in the head!

[Tom Zeliff]

Ouch!!! Wow did that hurt! Owwww!!!!

-Tom

[Zach]

Here's a joke I like:

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 300 white guys chasing a black guy?
The PGA Tour
--------------------------------------------------------------------

[The Goodfella]

I got a pretty dumb one,

How come Superman couldn't save the world?

He fell off his horse.

[AZ RIDER]

Here is one of my favs.

A big shot lawyer from L.A. goes to Texas to go dove hunting. So he gets there and he buys a gun and some ammo, and then sets out for the hunting grounds. He hunts for 2 days and doesn't get anything. finally he wings a dove and it lands in the field next to him. So he climbs over the fence to get the dove and as he was walking over to the dove an old farmer comes chugging up on his tractor. the farmer says, "what the heck do you think you are doing?" The lawyer says, "I shot a dove and I'm going to go find it." Then the farmer says, "I don't think so. My field, my dove." The the lawyer says, "don't try to stop me or I will sue you for everything that you have." Then the farmer says, "hold on now. here in Texas we settle things a little differently. see, we have what we call the 3 kick rule. that means I kick yopu 3 times and you kick me 3 times, and we keep going till somebody gives up." Then the lawyer says, "ok, you go first." the farmer got off his tractor and he was wearing some really big steel toe work boots. And he plants his first kick into the lawyers groin. he planted his next kick into his ribs and his third kick into his kidney. as the lawyer was getting to his feet, he said, "ok old man, now it's my turn." Then the farmer said, "naw, I give up. You can have the dove."

[Kraken]

I have yo mama jokes!

Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw "90210" was on the scale!
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street in a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street in a red dress, people yell "Hey, Ho, Cool Aid!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street in a blue dress, people yell "Run, it's a tidal wave!"
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!
Yo mama's so fat that if you get too close to her you go into orbit!
Yo mama's so fat that I'm typing this from inside her stomach!
Yo mama's so fat, she's very fat!
Yo mama's so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the Couch!
Yo mama's so dumb, she tripped over a cordless telaphone!
Yo mama's so dumb, she fell in love with a manequin!
Yo mama's so poor, you stepped on a buring ciggarete, and she said "Who put out the lightes?"
Yo mama's so poor, you were playing with a Hot-Wheels, and she said "Step away fromt he fammily car!"
Yo mama's so poor, you stepped on a roach, and she said "Dinner at last!"

And here's more jokes!

Why can't Kraken go to Six Flags Great Adventure?
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Because Kraken is at Jazzland! HA HA HA

How about this one?

Why can't Kraken go to Vallyfair?
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Because Kraken is at Jazzland? HA HA HA

This one is a riot!

Why can't Kraken go to Paramouts Great America?
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Because Kraken is at Jazzland! HA HA HA

[TopGun77]

Anyone else here a fan of little johnny jokes? I am!! Here is my favourite one (well actually its not its just the only one i know that wont get me banned) Anyway, little johhny is in his room writing a letter to god. "dear god, give me a bike." No, johnny said, that isn't any good. "dear god, i have been a good boy, can i please have a bike?" No, johnny thought, that isn't any good either. Johnny gets frustrated so he goes for a walk to clear his mind. When he passes his neighbour's yard he sees a statue of the virgin mary's head. He immediately gets an idea, so he grabs the statue and runs home and puts it under his bed. He gets out the paper and writes:" dear god, I have your mother, if you want her back, give me a bike!"
AHAHAHAHAHAH there are waaay better johnny jokes ut they aren't clean enough for the mods.

[Raging Rider]

I don't know if this is exactly how this one goes, but I'll give it a try.

I have a couple cousins in Ireland, their names are Mike and Patty.
One day Patty gets hears that his and Mike's favorite pub was on fire, and he rushes over to see if Mike is there.
He runs in and sees Mike laying down clutching a pint of Guiness. He asks Mike how the fire started, and Mike says," How'd it start? It was a'blazin' when I got in here."

[antfarm007]

Your mamas like a TV, even a three year old can turn her on.

One day Amy and Kelly were at school, the teacher calls Kelly up to her desk "Kelly you copied off of Amy's test" Kelly said "No I didn't" The teacher said " Well for the first question Amy put True, so did you, for the second question amy put no, so did you", then Kelly interupted "Its not fair that just becuase im from Mexico that I can't get a grade on a test that I earned!" The teacher than said "Kelly be quiet! Now for the third question Amy put 'I dont know!' you put 'Neither do I'!!!"

[Kraken]

I just thought of the perfect joke!


Why can't Kraken go to Magic Mountain?
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Because Kraken is at Jazzland! HA HA HA

[antfarm007]

This is a little johnny joke, cleaned up of course!

Johnny was at school one day he asked the teacher "Can I go to the bathroom?" she said "why sure Johnny" So johnny went into the bathroom and took a dump, when he reached for the toilet paper he discovered there was none, so he just used his hand" He went back into the classroom and the teacher asked "johnny whats in your hand?" he said "Its a little leprechaun and if i open it up he will get scared" Sothe teacher said "Johhny open it up or you are going to the principals office!" So he was sent to the principals office the principal said "Open your hand johnny!" and johnny said "but principal its a little leprechaun and if i open it up he will get scared" "Im sending you home then johnny" so he went home and when his dad got home he said "johnny open youre hand or ill do it!" johny replied "but dad its a little leprechaun and if i open it upp he will get scared!" So his dad reached for his hand and opened it up and discovered the crap in his hand. Johnny said "dad you scared the crap out of it!"

[MST3K_FREAK6666]

Here goes:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EMAIL ERRORS
It's important to remember email adresses. Take this story, for instance:

A man from the snowy streets Chicago takes a vacation to the sunny beaches of Miami. His wife was on a buisiness trip, so she would join him a few days after.

When the man arrived, he decided to send his wife an email when he got to the hotel. However, she had just gotten a new email adress aand he could not remember it. So he did the best he could from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one digit, and the email was sent to the elderly widow of a late minister. When she saw it, she screamed and fainted. Her family rushed in to the room she was in,and saw this on the computer screen:

Dearest Wife:

I have just checked in. Everything is set for your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. It sure is hot down here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And theres plenty more where that came from!

[antfarm007]

I heard that joke at the end of mass about a year ago, but heres another one

Your mamas so fat her belt size is equator

[Nosk8er]

okay so a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says...

why the long face?
(repeat this joke over and over until all your friends are sick of it)

(then one day i was really pissed off and a girl and started making angela jokes)

so a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says...
angela get the hell out of my bar!!!

or what do u call 5 rats in a whole?
a party at angelas...

what do you call 10 angelas in a room?
a whole lotta ugly....

Johnny Carson Style Jokes are always good too...
(u know the ones where u say the answers first then u say the question...)

*i sure hope no one named angela is on these boards*

McDonalds, Burger King, and Angelas Bedroom....
Name Three Places where u can have it your way

A Rake, A pitchfork, A shovel, and angela....
name four things that are likely to be mistaken for a ho

[coasterqueen]

OK, what the heck, I like the Yo momma jokes. They are sick, some are stupid, but most of them are funny.

Just for fun, and in the same vein, I will start the "You must be a redneck if..." thread. I don't have time to list them all, but here is my favorite...



"You might be a redneck if your new kitchen bowls say "cool whip" on the side."




I love that one!!! Please, go on....


Tina N.

[AZ RIDER]

you might be a redneck if.....

you've ever been to drunk to go fishing.

you go the family reunion to meet women.

you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

you've ever removed a wart with a firearm.

you honk your horn during love scenes at the drive-in.

you consider a bug zapper and a six-pack quality entertainment.

your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
grade.

your family tree doesn't fork.

the strongest smell in your house is butane.

you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack", and it reminds you to pull your pants up.

[Motionman]

What do you do when a girl sits on your hand?

ahh nevermind!!

[smeghead1138]

haux, that was extremely funny, thrill rider, i see you too listen to bob and tom, and to everyone else:

cristopher reeve walkes into a bar

what do you call an elephant and a rhino?: ellifiknow

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a chicken?: a chicken with a hole in it this (hands spread out about a foot) big.

[antfarm007]

heres one

This guy walks in a bar one day he says "give me a scotch" the bartender asks, "Hard Day" "yeah, i found out my brother is gay

The next day "give me two scotches" "What happened today?" "Found out my dad is gay"

Next day "give me three scotches" What happened?" Found out my son is agy"

The next day "Four scotches" The bartender goes "Doesnt anybody in your family like women!" "Yeah, my wife"

Sorry if i offended anyone

[birderboy]

Here's one that for some strange reason is really popular at our school right now:

-Man, this place is covered with updawg!
-What's updawg?
-Wussup dawg.

[Jokercoaster]

I like telling jokes about Tragedys so here we go:

If a white cop had a black ****
would beat it to death
Tragedy!!!!!!

If my best freind loses his leg
Am I wrong if I want to borrow his bike
Tragedy!!!!!!!

If my best friend becomes deaf
Am I wrong if I buy him a radio
Tragedy!!!!!

If a cow laughs too hard
Does milk come out of its nose
Tragedy!!!!!!!

If my uncle wants to hang himself
Am I wrong if a give him a bunjy cord
He kept almost dying
Tragedy!!!!!!!

If a homeless has a funny sign
Am I wrong if I stand there and laugh at it
Tragedy!!!!!!!

If an alien wants to give me an anul probe
Should I ask if I can reschedule
Tragedy!!!!!!!

If my granddad wants to listen to rap music
Should I buy him an Old Dirty Bastard CD
Tragedy!!!!!!!!

Sure I let my friends drink and drive
But am I wrong if I just don't get in the car
Tragedy!!!!!!!!

If a pregnant women use a vibrator
Does her kid come out studdering
Da Da Daddy Da Da Daddy
Tragedy!!!!!!!!!

[SFGadvKing]

a man walks into a bar and says................ouch

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

Originally posted by antfarm007
heres one

This guy walks in a bar one day he says "give me a scotch" the bartender asks, "Hard Day" "yeah, i found out my brother is gay

The next day "give me two scotches" "What happened today?" "Found out my dad is gay"

Next day "give me three scotches" What happened?" Found out my son is agy"

The next day "Four scotches" The bartender goes "Doesnt anybody in your family like women!" "Yeah, my wife"

Sorry if i offended anyone

In response to that I have one as well. BTW antfarm, that was good.

A guy travelling on business takes a stop at a local watering hole. Inside he puts back a few then notices a jar full of money at then end of the bar. "Bartender," he inquires, "what's the deal with that jar?" Bartender replies, 'We got a horse out back. If you can make him laugh you get the money, if not you pay." Sounded good to the traveler, so he headed outside to the back and minutes later came back in. The horse is laughing. The bartender says, "Don't know how you did that, son, but here's the money." The traveler thanks him and heads on his way. A few months later, the same traveler takes another business trip and happens upon the same bar. After downing a few drinks, he again notices another jar with money in it. "Bartender, what's with THAT jar of money?" "Well, son, since you made that horse laugh, we can't get him to STOP laughing. If you can get him to stop laughing, the money is yours." So again the man heads outside, and you hear the horse crying. "Just one thing," the bartender asks, "it's not my place to ask, but what did you tell the horse?" The man pauses, then replies, "Well the first time I told him I have a bigger unit than him." "And just now?" asks the bartender. "I showed him," the man said.

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

Found some others, courtesy of Playboy. Keep in mind these are the tasteful ones.

--
After a bitter argument, a couple drove several miles down a country road without saying a word. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied. "In-Laws."

-------

What's the difference between a city zoo and a redneck zoo? The signs at the city zoo give each species' common name and scientific name. at a redneck zoo, signs give each species' common name and a recipe.

--------

The doctor looked up from his papers and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"Well, give me te good news first," the patient said.
"We're going to name a disease after you."

--------

11 people, 10 men and one woman, clung to a rope hanging from a helicopter. They decided that one person had to let go because the rope was about to break under their weight and everyone would plunge to their death. No one could decide who should go, and they continued to dangle precariously. FInally, the woman gave a touching speech, saying she would give up her life to save the others because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and kids.
Deeply moved, all the men started clapping.

[Andy Rathe]

Originally posted by CedarPoint_Mark

What's the difference between a city zoo and a redneck zoo? The signs at the city zoo give each species' common name and scientific name. at a redneck zoo, signs give each species' common name and a recipe.

LOL! What a great joke!

[rocketman23]

Two men are sitting at a bar. Man 1 notice that Man 2 has a giant Bic lighter. Man 1 is interested in this Bic and asked how Man 2 got the lighter. Man 2 shows him a magic lamp that will grant one wish of choice. Man 1 takes the magic lamp, rubs, and the genie comes out. Man 1 asks for a million bucks. The genie nods and dissappears. In through the bar door comes a million ducks. Man 1 says, " Hey I wanted a million bucks!" Man 2 replies, "You think I wanted a giant Bic?"

[CoasterKid23]

I got this one from a friend of mine

When does a member of the Taliban become a man?

When he takes his diaper off his butt and puts it on his head!

It ain't that funny but I felt the urge to tell it.

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

Listening to Art Bell on Newsradio WTAM-1100, he was talking about Audrey Iocona, the babykiller from medina. Anyhow he passed this bit of conversation along that can be used as a joke. The conversation takes place between a boy about adolescent age and a man (not his father)

Boy asks what a condom is, and the man tells him that it is used to prevent unwanted pregnancies.

Boy: "So why do condoms come in packs of three?"
Man: "Well, those are for teenagers--Friday, Saturday, Sunday."
Boy: "Ok, then why do some also come in packs of six?"
Man: "Those are for college students. One for each day of the week, plus you have to study on one of those nights."
Boy: "Ok, then why do I still see a package of 12?"
Man: "That is for when you are married. One per month."

I thought it was kind of funny.

This piece was done at my highschool graduation (1995).

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
If you want happiness for a week, take a vacation.
If you want happiness for a month, get married (which drew laughter).
If you want happiness for a year, inherit a million dollars.
And if you want happiness for a lifetime, do something good for someone.

[APJSFR1]

I know a bunch of "bar" jokes:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey fella, why the long face?"
Ham and Eggs walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry we don't serve breakfast."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, and he says, "how much is it?" and the bartender says "don't worry pal for you its no charge!"
Two fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A leprachaun walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and the bartender says "Oh, doesn't that hurt?" and the leprachaun says "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

there are more, I will post em if I think of them!

[Marcus]

A Misuse of NASA Technology

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

[NC Coasterman]

Oh, what a crowd we have here this evening. I've seen better heads of a mug of beer.

But seriously,

Two eskimos were out kayacking and got very cold. So they lit
a fire in the bottom of the kayack, and of course it burned
through and sank. thus proving once and for all.....
That you can't have you kayack and heat it too!

[Valpengeist]

Here's another great Afghanistan/USA joke I heard last night at our Christmas party....

There's an Indian, an Afghan, and a Texan all flying in the same plane.
The Indian says, "My people once were many, but now we are few."
The Afghan says, "My people once were few, but now we are many."
Then, in reply to the Afghan, the Texan says, "Well, then again, we haven't played 'Cowboys & Afghans' yet, have we?"

Ha ha ha....

[gravitron]

--------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 300 white guys chasing a black guy?
The PGA Tour
-------------------------------------------------------------------- [/B][/QUOTE]

:) that Pga tour one is funny

[coastersrsweet]

I have a couple old ones, some are preety funny.

YOUR SO STUPID, WHEN YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES IT SAID UNDER 17 NOT ADDMITED SO YOU WENT HOME AND GOT 16 OF YOUR FRIENDS!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

your so dumb you through away all the m&ms wit w's on them!!!

a termite walked into a bar and said is the bar tender here?

Why cant coastersrsweet go to Cedar Point
.
.
.
.
.
.
because coastersrsweet goes to Six Flags America


hahahahaha!lol

[NC Coasterman]

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

[LoCoSuMo]

Why did the Squirrel fall out of the tree???





Because it was dead

hahahaha....I kill me...

[Matt M]

Post all good disses here. I hope no one will put down racial/religious jokes down here. Your all going to think i'm crazy but...

Whats worse then 10 babies in 10 barrels?



One baby in 10 barrels! hahahaha



I'm not crazy, yet.

[intamin101]

Ugh... Baby jokes... Those can get really gross, really fast, so I would rather not share my arsenal of them.

[Anaconda]

Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an acordian.

Why do we need the French in the war against Iraq?
Who else will show the Iraqis how to surrender.

Why are the red and blue sections of the French flag velcroed to the white? So its easier to get a surrender flag.

[BryanWood]

If someone is gonna bash the French government:

"France wants more evidence. The last time France wanted more evidence it rolled right through France with a German flag." ~David Letterman

[Matt M]

^ That was good. Letterman, the Daily Show and all that other stuff never gets boring...

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

Quote from "Yakety Yak, bomb Iraq" : Can't you smell that awful stench? Must be the Germans and the French. We saved their buts in WWII. So kiss my ass we don't need you!"

-------------------------
A little Indian kid was talking with his parents about Indian names.
"Mommy, how did I get my name?"
"Well son, whenever you or your siblings were conceived, we named you after an event that was going on. Your sister was conceived when the moon rose, so her name is Rising Moon.
Your brother was conceived by a river, so we named him Running Water.
The eldest was conceived during a stampede in the distance, hence his name is Running Bull," answers mother.
And the father pipes up, "Anymore questions, Broken Rubber?"

[Cid]

i've got a few classic blonde jokes

what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
pregnant

what do you call a blonde in the closet?
ms 1984 hide and seek champion

what do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
pull the pin and throw it back

[antfarm007]

Everyone hear about the French rifle for sale on eBay?

never used, dropped once.

[Tommy]

A blonde and a brunette are waiting at a bus stop... The brunette says "look at that dead bird", the blonde looks at the sky!

I want my minetrain avatar back!

[slipknot8527]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven...one muffin says "Wow, its getting hot in here.!" The other muffin looks at the first muffin and exclaims "Holy Crap a Talking Muffin!"

[Chip]

There are a couple joke threads. I'm merging this one with the one with the most replies.

Here's my joke: Two Irish men walk into a bar.

[Cid]

ok this is the funniest joke ever.

a skeleton walks into a bar. he walks up the the bartender and say. "bartender i'd like a drink, and a mop"

mwa ha ha ha

[SFGadvKing]

three men are walking in the forest and the stumble upon some tracks. the first man says "they have got to be deer tracks." the second man says "no no no, they are bear tracks!" they both look over to the third man to see what he thinks but he already got ran over by the train.

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

You said it wrong Chip: Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well Hung.

[Skye]

Am i the only person not to find thoose "your so stupid..." jokes funny? Same for the moma jokes or whatever you call them. I don't want to offend people who laugh at them, but well if you do you got a weird sense of humour. I mean they don't even count as "jokes" really.

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

I hear ya Skye...those can get old fast. So can the blonde ones, but blondes are so easy.

Do you know why blondes pencil in their eyebrows?
They have to draw the line somewhere.

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

A guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots of Jager. The bartender watches as the man downs each shot. After the 10t, the bartender asks if the man is celebrating, to which the man replies "yes, my first ________." "In that case," says the bartender, "have the next one on the house." Says the man, "No, if the first 10 don't get the taste out of my mouth, the 11th won't either."

[jimmycoasterman]

There is nothing better than a good UNC joke...so here one goes....

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Carolina jersey, helmet and is holding Carolina blue pom poms. The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I am desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Tarheels receiving a kickoff. They march downfield stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says, "Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for two years."

The great thing about all college jokes is you can just change universities to fit the team you like...or hate.

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

[jimmycoasterman]

There once was this Duke fan who had a way to piss UNC fans off big time. He would find a UNC fan on the side of the road, swerve his car to him, but just before he hit him he would quickly swerve back. One day the Duke fan was driving to work and he saw a preist walking on the side of the road. The Duke fan stopped, pulled over, rolled his window and asked the priest 'Where are you going?" The Preist replied "To the church 3 blocks down the street". The Duke fan had a good heart and said "Well come on and hop in I'll give you a ride". The priest smiled and got in the car. They where driving along when the Duke fan saw a UNC fan on the side of the road. He crept up to the UNC fan with his car and then swerved at him and quickly swerved back. The Duke fan heard a load bumping noise. He looked behind him he did not see the UNC fan in the road. He was sure he had not hit him. He looked at the
priest and said "I'm sorry I almost hit a UNC fan". The priest replied
"That's ok I got the b@stard with my door!".

[Cedarpoint_Mark]

Great Michigan fans will laugh...

Directions to Ohio State from Ann Arbor, MI: South until you smell it, East until you step in it.

[Byron]

Here's a joke....It's not mine so I can't take credit for it

Coaster Preservation Organization (http://www.coasterpreservation.tk)

[willski2002]

here's a good one,"So I says to the fellow that's no giraffe that's my car"

[LoCoSuMo]

One cow asks another cow, "why do we sit around eating grass all day?" The other cow replies, "how the heck would I know? I'm a helicopter."

[Sparks]

This is an old thread, but I found some great jokes and I thought you would like to see them.


http://www.danggoodjokes.com/ (http://www.danggoodjokes.com/bubba/) That place has some great jokes, for example here's one.

BUBBA


Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."


Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"


Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[darque]

Seeing as I've got several gigs with Elvis's alleged illegitimate son coming up, this one only seems appropriate.

Pope John Paul dies and ends up in Heaven. St Pete is there to greet him and takes him to his new home. I nice single story home with a white picket fence, A/C and a nicely stocked wine cellar.

After a few day's of exploring, the Pope stumbles upon a massive crystal palace with 30 sport cars parked out front, an enormous swimming pool with waterfalls behind the house, and beyond that, a massive play ground of rollercoaster after rollercoaster (I added that bit just for you guys :) ) and dozens of bikini clad beach bunnies roaming the grounds.

The Pope sees St. Peter and say's, "That must be the home of our Lord"

"That house??? Na, that's the home of Elvis Presley" St Peter replies

"W.T.F.!!!!" Screams the Pope, "You mean to tell me I lived my life in a cold room, on a hard bed, and passed up on so many booze parties, AND SEX just so I can end up with that stupid little house over there, while that jerk gets that....that....ARGHHHH!!!!"

To which St. Pete Replies "Hey, Pope's we've already got, but there is only one king of Rock and/or Roll!!"

Anyone around Celina (sp) OH area c'mon down to the show. We're playing somewhere around there May 14th weekend.

[DisGardeVersal]

Got your favorite dumb cheesy joke, and your just dying to share it?
Post it right here, for all your thrillnetwork friends to see.
Knock-knock jokes, cheesy jokes, dumb jokes, jokes that don't make sense, Chuck Norris jokes. Have fun posting jokes.

I am however serious when I say, no jokes that may be offensive to a large group of people or more, and definitely, definitely, no dead baby jokes. Those jokes are just wrong.

I guess I'll start.

Why shouldn't you change clothes in front of a pokemon?

It might Pikachu. (peek at you)

edit: sorry about the new creation of a thread, but I wasn't about to search through 1355 threads that came up from the search button to see if one was already in existence.

[VekomahangNbang]

I would like to invite all you jokesters to come on down here (http://www.thrillnetwork.com/boards/showthread.php?t=39246) for some fun, friendly Canadian joking.

[VekomahangNbang]

Nevermind. What do you know, it got closed. And it was in the games too.

[steel]

What do you know? It was a stupid thread. Of course it got closed.

Here's one:
So the Devil decides to have some fun and visit a worship service at a Christian church. It's the end of the service when he appears at the altar, roaring. Everyone screams and runs away, horrified, except for an old man sitting in the back row. So the Devil walks back and looks at him.
"I am Satan, the Devil, the Anti-Christ! Why are you not afraid?" says the Devil.
In response, the man says, "Why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your sister for 48 years!"

Here's an old one.
Two guys walk into a ber. You'd think one of them would've ducked.

A duck, Miss America, and the Prime Minister of the U.K. all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[siestakey]

Man...that thread had potential. lol

[James R]

Lame jokes!

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The ELF-abet.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted flakes!

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese. (Get it? Nacho...Not your...haha)

Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A: A Zebra in a revolving door.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: What did the one, very sad, depressed Math book tell to the other Math book?
A: I have problems.

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A: Because a refridgerator hit him! Can you imagine that? A boy just biking along, then SMACK!! He get's hit by a refridgerator!

Hahaha..........
"..."

[Matt M]

I'm so tempted to pop in an abortion or baby joke, but I won't. I wish their was a thread for those.

What is the difference between an oak tree and an American?

Oak trees lose weight during the winter.

[epijlh]

did you hear about the new hoover? appearently it really sucks!

[Bruns]

So I go to the doctor get blood drawn and the doctor says to me ,"Your blood is type A."

"Positive?" I ask.

"Yeah, pretty sure."

[steel]

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A: Because a refridgerator hit him! Can you imagine that? A boy just biking along, then SMACK!! He get's hit by a refridgerator!

Classic.

Here's another old one:
How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

How do you put a rhino in the fridge?
You open the door, take the elephant out, put the rhino in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Silly (insert name here)! A giraffe wouldn't fit in a fridge!

[epijlh]

So these two muffins are in an oven. One looks at the other and says "man it's hot in here!!!" The other one says to himself "holy crap a talking muffin!!!"


another one along the same lines:

This guy is in a bar, and after a few he notices two squirrels talking to the bartender. after they leave, the man leans into the tender and says "man, i must reaaly be drunk. I can swear i just saw you talking to two squirrels!!!" The tender shakes his head and replies "Man, you are drunk. there was only one squirel."

[Jerry S]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a panda having a snack and a drink. There is also another guy sitting at the bar having a drink. When the panda is done, he takes out a gun, kills the guy at the bar, and walks away. The guy who just walked in ran to the bartender and said "did you see that? That other guy just got shot by that panda!" The bartender says, "that's weird, I wonder if pandas always do that" He took out a dictionary, found panda and read aloud: "Panda. A Mammal that lives in Asia. Eats chutes and leaves."