Hey, I had to write a rough draft of a scary short story for my english class, and I decided to share it with you gusy to see how you like it. Just remember that its a rough draft and changes will be made. I'm also open to any suggestions you guys have.

Its a little long, but its not that bad.

Heartless

The scream of the secretary sent a chill down his spine.

Dr. Brennan and his team of scientists had been hard at work on the project the U.S Military had given him and his small team at the Fort Worth lab, but they had finally finished. They had been told to build a heartless warrior that was not only a killing machine, but extremely intelligent to use in covert missions. Brennan was extremely satisfied with the result, Dante was his name, and prepared to show General Smith him the next day. That was before everything changed in an instant that night.

Two guards had been set up to watch over and observe Dante. Dante just sat on his bed staring blankly at the guards until midnight. That was when he broke free of the twisted zoo cage he had been stored in. With the greatest of ease, he tore through the bars and attacked the two unarmed guards, catching them completely off guard. He killed them quickly and efficiently, simply by ripping their hearts out and placing them next to the bodies. He then exited the lab and headed east.

Thomas Kearns woke up to his telephone ringing the next morning. It was his partner Steven Williamson, and Thomas expected to hear him worrying about some little thing, like if he had turned remembered to file the paperwork from a case, as he was prone to do on many occasions.

“Thomas,” whispered Steven in an extremely frightened tone, “Are you there?”

“I’m here, you sound like you got something on your mind,” replied Thomas quickly. Steven’s tone had worried him.

“Dante is on the loose!” said Steven, still trying to keep his voice down so others around him couldn’t hear.

“What? That can’t be possible, someone must be putting you on,” Thomas said with an air of uncertainty in his voice.

“Just, just, come down to the lab to see how bad it is,” stammered Williamson.

Thomas quickly dressed and was down at the lab in thirty minutes. What he saw when he arrived he would never forget. Two of his friends at the lab were lying dead on the floor with the hearts resting on the floor against their chests. He wanted to throw up, he wanted to run away, he wanted to go home and cry and never leave the house again. The CIA had already sent about 10 people down there not including him and Steven.

“I wish I had been lying to you,” said Steven.

Thomas was still speechless, he just gave a look to Steven that he understood as meaning, “let’s get going.” They went out to the car and started off on the track they thought Dante had gone on. Thomas was still trying to piece together the picture he had just seen in his mind. The hearts are what really stood out in the picture and Thomas couldn’t think of a reason for Dante to have something as gruesome as that.

Dr. Brennan was pacing back and forth through his office in downtown Dallas. He had been told to stay there and think of reasons why Dante would escape, and where he might be heading, but his mind had been numb since the morning. Guilt had been eating away at him since he heard a description of the two guards and the condition they were in. He had to get to work on coming up with possible places Dante would be heading.

Mr. and Mrs. Clarke were enjoying a peaceful lunch on the deck of their brand new million dollar house built in a secluded area about 20 miles from Dallas when they heard an unusual rustling in their front yard.

“What was that Judy?” questioned James Clarke.

“Probably some little critter James, I wouldn’t worry about it,” Judy replied calmly.

It was at that moment that Judy was thrown through the table with amazing force from an extremely large man that had just come up behind her. James just sat in his seat in total shock and watched the man rip her heart out, all while she screamed his name. After about a minute the screaming had subsided and Dante left the home only needing to travel twenty miles to reach his destination, leaving behind a dead man and woman, each with a heart near their side.

“This is Steven speaking,” Steven said after answering the phone. “Oh, ok I see, we’re on the way.”

“What is the problem now?’ asked Thomas.

“Two more dead, they were killed on the deck of their house twenty miles outside of Dallas,” answered Steven with an unbelievable calm voice. “They know its Dante because he left us a few presents again.”

“Not more hearts?” said Thomas. He was beginning to shake and feel sick to his stomach again.

Dr. Brennan had gotten word of it just minutes later. He started sweating uncontrollably and was notably shaken after hanging up the phone. Brennan had decided that the search was pretty much hopeless and pretty soon the whole world would know of the project and how he was to blame for the deaths. The doctor began to cry.

“He can’t be that far away now, we should be able to get him before he causes anymore deaths,” Steven said in an attempt to comfort his partner who was vomiting behind a tree near the house. “He left us a very easy trail to find, now it is just a matter of catching up to him,” he was referring to the long trail of blood going east away from the house.

Dante walked into the downtown medical building without the smallest bit of questioning. He was finally going to get what he had been hoping for since he had regained consciousness after the gene transplant given to him just a month ago.

“Oh my God! He is heading for downtown,” shouted Thomas after thinking about where Dante could possibly be heading.

“Wait, isn’t Dr. Brennan’s office down there?” thought Steven out loud.

“We better hurry Steven if we’re going to make it in time,” replied Thomas, who seemed to finally be regaining his strength after trying to get over all that he had seen during the day. He had confidence that they would get him that evening.

“Excuse me sir, Dr. Brennan asked not to see anyone today,” said his secretary Stephanie after seeing a large man approaching the desk.

“I’m afraid my issue needs to be resolved now, I can’t wait till tomorrow,” replied Dante.

“Sir, I’m just trying to follow my……..”
Dante didn’t even give her a chance to finish the sentence. Very swiftly he had grabbed her throat and gotten her down to the ground. Just as he was beginning to pull out her throbbing heart, she let out a scream.

“In we go,” said Steven as he opened the door to the office building.

“Lets just hope we made it in time,” Thomas said hopefully while he loaded his twelve gauge shotgun.

Dr. Brennan had heard the scream, and he hid under his desk in panic. He knew what was happening outside, and he had decided he couldn’t do anything about it so he might as well hide. The door burst open seconds later and Dante’s voice shook the office.

“Where are you, you pathetic coward,” roared Dante, “I’ve come to get my retribution; you destroyed my life, so I’m going to end yours.”

It was with that sentence that Dante reached down and pulled Brennan up, breaking the desk with Brennan’s body. The doctor was letting out scream after scream and begged for mercy.

“Did you hear that,” said Thomas as he looked up expected to see Steven, but he was already near the door at the top of the next flight of stairs. He cocked his gun, and chased after him.

“You took my heart, and made me heartless killer, so I’m taking yours,” whispered Dante just before ripping his heart out, and dropping his limp body onto the floor. Before Dante could turn to leave he felt bullets rip through his body. He turned to Steven and Thomas.

“They took my heart, and I had to get it back,” said Dante in a hoarse voice. With that, he stopped breathing and fell to the ground.

Thomas came into the office the next day and handed in his resignation.

"What are you doing,” asked Steven.

“I’m done with this work, I don’t want to be involved with an organization that would create a beast like that,” replied Thomas.

“I’ll miss being your partner, Thomas,” with a twinge of sadness in his voice.

“I need to go off by myself for a while, but when I come back, I’ll give you a call,” and with that Thomas got into his car and drove off.

Edited to put in spaces.

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Throw some spaces between paragraphs in there and I'll read it.

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SFA SOURCE . . .

Sorry about that, it changed it when I pasted it.

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yeah thats just too long. sorry but im just not going to take the time to read that. maybe take out some parts that arent needed to shorten it up a little.

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PROS:[List][*]Good dialogue between characters.[*]Pacing is very good.[/List]CONS:[List][*]Predictable. I basically knew exactly what was going to happen after reading the first paragraph (military project goes on killing spree).[*]Needs character development. Think of who Dante was before the experiment and what exactly Steven and Thomas had to do with the project.[*]Very violent. The heart thing is sickening, especially when the spouses are killed.[*]Too many words. For example, take the first sentence. "Dr. Brennan and his team of scientists had finally finished the project the U.S Military had assigned them at their Fort Worth lab." sounds much better. Trim the fat a little more and it will read great.[/List]Overall, good effort.

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SFA SOURCE . . .

The charecter development is hard, because it can't be longer than 7 pages or I get 20 points taken off and I can't really think of a good way to start it off. I'll will try though, because this is a very rough first draft. I'll tone down the spouse thing a little, but I have to keep the whole heart thing throughout the story. About the predictibility, I'm not good at thinking that stuff up, so I decided to throw in a little twist to make it more original, and I will trim the fat.


Thanks for the comments.

EDIT
I got rid of most of the spouse killing, but some of it is in still.

Here is a new opening paragraph. This comes after the first sentence.

Dante had been a very happy and healthy man. He was single, successful, and loved to party, but something was missing. He wanted to be known all over the world as someone to love. He wanted to help poor children in Africa; he wanted to make a difference. Dr. Brennan seemed like he had the perfect plan for him to achieve it. The doctor would make him a super human that could withstand horrible conditions and that could help develop the tribal communities of Africa into more civilized towns to help with food and water problems using his strength and intelligence. The doctor hadn’t really told him what he was going to be used for though, he wasn’t going to be used to save lives, but destroy them.

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Way to long for me to read

You don't have to reply and just say "too long", just vote in the poll if you want ot tell me.

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Yes I know what you mean. I kinda threw that in there as a quick fix.

Thats where I got the idea from leeloo.

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I'll post it, but it won't be done for a few weeks.

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It is a good horror story, somewhat predictable plot, it's good that there was a reason Dante was tearing out people's hearts, otherwise it would not have made much sense, but I could see from the beginning there was a significance in the way he killed people, but nonetheless it's a well written story, obviously you put alot of time into it.

And for your enjoyment, my award winner: The End of Tomorrow

The life of a historian teaches you new things. You go to work with a simple goal in mind: to find out what you want to know. The job is not a day-to-day turmoil of hectic searching. The answers do not remain uncovered. In some cases the answers find you. You discover what you want to know, but the answers are all that you never wished to be true.
My name is Joseph C. Lewis. I reside in Albany, New York, working as a European historian. My focus study over the past three years has been World War II Germany. Currently my searches have turned to a Nazi military bunker in Dresden, Germany. The unnamed wartime outpost had been a popular tourist spot for decades, that is, until recently. People who had entered the site had not come out. The only survivors who were coming back were the children of the tourists, all of who were screaming in panic. None of them could tell police what they had seen. Law enforcement and the German government cannot figure out what has been happening. Psychologists are baffled as to what instilled terror into the hearts of the children.

I awake in the middle of the night to the startling ring of the telephone. Picking up the receiver, I wait hesitantly for a voice.

“Joseph? This is investigator Charles Maybach of the FBI. I handle foreign affairs in Europe, specifically cases of unexplainable murder.”

“FBI? You must be mistaken. I am only a historian, Joseph-”

“-C. Lewis, I know. You are the one I was told to contact. You must listen very carefully, questions will be answered later. You are aware of the incidents at the bunker in Dresden, Germany. No plausible solutions have been found as to what has caused these deaths. The work itself seems paranormal. The bodies have disappeared. You have been called upon because of your significant knowledge of the bunker. Take the first flight you can to Dresden. That is all.”

I arrive at the site as the sun begins its descent into nightfall. Throughout the day I have received many calls from colleagues back in the states. Unable to tell them of the telephone call, they all pass my venture off as a modern day ghost hunt. Repeatedly, I hear them say I have the mind of a child. This is the work of some lunatic hoax artist. Aside from my own personal views, I have been summoned to help put a stop to terrible injustice.

“Are you ready Mr. Lewis?” The familiar voice of investigator Maybach greeted me.

“Yes, let’s proceed.” I unwillingly reply.

I peer down the dark, stone stairwell. The cold air races under me sweeping dead leaves in spirals down the steps. The wind howls amidst the hemlocks like a pretense to impending doom. Maybach and I advance to the doorway below. Struggling, we pull open the heavy rusted iron barrier. Maybach turns on his flashlight to illuminate the dark corridor. We slowly creep down to the end of the hallway, unaware of what each advancing step may bring. Turning to a hallway on the right, we delve further into the barracks. We stop, and agent Maybach shines the light on a painted iron plate bolted to the wall.

“This symbol painted here is believed to be a possible lead. The children who escaped from the bunker all had a similar burn pattern on their backs.”

I examine the figure, a headless being holding his arm to his heart.

“Yes, I know of this. It is a symbol Adolf Hitler used to identify his faith of killing Jews and anyone whom opposed him. It represented his hatred, and . . . and his denial of God.”

A brief moment of silence is broken by a loud metallic noise. Footsteps race away toward the main hallway. Maybach draws his pistol and chases in pursuit. I try to follow but I am unable to keep up. He turns sharply at the main sector and points his weapon. He shoots off round after round into the darkness. I hear a loud burst and a ball of fire engulfs the main hallway. I dive for cover as the flames course over me. After the smoke clears, I arise and step slowly toward the hall. The wind at the entrance grows intense and surges through the bunker. Thunder and lightning suddenly rage in the distance. I hear a loud creak, as the heavy iron door slams shut. The bunker walls quake noisily as I frantically pick up the flashlight. Searching the blackened hallway, I cannot find agent Maybach. I begin to breathe heavily.

I bolt toward the entrance. I desperately try to budge the iron door. The bunker walls vibrate violently. I hear the faint sound of an air raid alarm drone a mournful cry. The light bulbs begin to glow an eerie green. I hear the pounding of heavy footsteps from the end of the main hall. My heart sinks in despair and eyes widen in terror. A huge figure dressed in fatigues and a gas mask stands before me. It is holding a flame-thrower, smoke pluming from the barrel. The entity drops its weapon and peels off its mask. It reveals its horrific face; burned black, covered in deep wounds, and eyes missing. The creature grabs me and holds its face to mine. Voices from all around whisper: “glaube nicht mehr;” meaning “faith no more.” Images of the Holocaust fill my mind. I see the families running from their homes as German troops break down the doors. A child reaches out to his father as the soldiers separate them from each other. A train of Jewish prisoners pulls away toward the Auschwitz concentration camp. Prisoners weeping in anguish are led into the gas chamber to die. A group of children break from the crowd and run for safety, but are shot mercilessly and fall to the ground. I see a brilliant bright light shine from above. It slowly fades, leaving me isolated in darkness. My senses return to me. Falling to the floor, I yell out in despair.

“No! No! This isn’t possible! He is always with us, and he cannot be taken away! I am not alone! I am not alone!"

The creature melts into the shadows. I see a bright white flash. A pulse sends a powerful shock through my body. The next thing I know, I am running up the stairwell, sprinting away from the bunker. I fall to the ground in exhaustion, and my vision fades to black.

My experience at the Dresden bunker alters the fundamentals of our beliefs. The disgraceful acts of the Holocaust could not be prevented. We are constantly separated from God’s mercy. We will never have enough faith to be redeemed. Each day we live mindlessly in world that will soon consume itself. I will live out my forsaken life alone. I am forever scarred by the truth. The burn mark of the headless figure on my back has healed. The mark on my soul remains.

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Thats awesome! My only problem is that it was first person and written in the present tense. I don't really like when stories are like that, they sound awkward to me.

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[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by coasterphil [/i]
[B]Thats awesome! My only problem is that it was first person and written in the present tense. I don't really like when stories are like that, they sound awkward to me. [/B][/QUOTE]

Have you ever read A Farewell to Arms? But the present tense you could be right about, maybe it wouldd sound even better if it was in the past.

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No I haven't. ANy stories I've read in 1st POV and in the present tense have sounded really awkward. Yours is probably the best one of those I've read.

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